Day Sixteen / I am Done

Today has been a terrible day. My no sex policy has The Burning Man in a furious mode.

I went to work as I usually do. I needed him for decision making. I called seven times, he never took my call. I messaged and he didn’t message back. The silent treatment is on.

The wife is still in Banana Town, at her best friend’s house. They say you shouldn’t jump into conclusions, but I know he needs narc supply and he knows where to get it.

So what know? Obviously I haven’t found a job. I wanted to work for him until I had a new job but things have not turned out like I wanted.

The passive aggresiveness has been much more than I can take. For the last weeks I felt strong and able to play along with my plans, today I feel weak and terrified. My legs are shivering, my hands are sweating ice cold and the fear is growing in my tummy as I write. I am all alone and no one is going to come over and save me, I have to do it by myself.

This will be a long text. I won’t stop writing until I make it through this horrible sensation and understand the blessing that’s been handed to me in disguise.

I don’t love the man. He doesn’t care about me and he never will. He’ll never feel gratitude for all the beautiful things I’ve brought to his life and to his company. Today I give up.

I am giving up on his anger, on his humiliations, on his gaslighting, on his yelling and his sick soul. I am giving up on his lies and on his cheating. I am giving up on his monologues and his tendency to depreciate my value. I am giving up on his disrespect and the power he had over me.

Today I can stop lying. Today I don’t need to make up excuses to avoid him. Today I can block his phone number and never return to his office. My life is at risk and no money is worth the emotional abuse I’ve been dealing for so long.

I thank the Lord I never moved in with him. I have my own home and I am safe. I will heal.

My biggest fear is being jobless, but ready or not, I am facing that fear. God is on my side and I will work hard to blossom again. I know he’ll do the rest.

Thank you for this terrible day. Thank you because it’s the end of an agonizing experience and the entrance door to a new beginning.

 

“You have escaped the cage. Your wings are stretched out. Now fly”.

—Rumi

 

2 thoughts on “Day Sixteen / I am Done

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