Obligation vs Choice

Obligation is a heavyweight word. It’s a no choice situation which defeats freedom.

I grew up with a strict mother and understood at a very early age what the word “obligation” meant. She didn’t care if I liked spinach soup or not, I was not allowed to leave the table until I ate it. End of conversation.

The best part about growing up is gaining your freedom. I have no obligation to eat a soup I dislike because I can choose not to sit at a table where it is being served.

As a childless woman, my only obligation is to pay my bills. I have a simple life. I choose whatever I want to do, and whenever I want to do it.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend’s daughter, who is twenty nine years old, sent this message to me: “I know you are not family, but if you want the best for your partner I think you should advise my father to come to my cousin’s wedding. The best thing for him is to be with his family.”

As I read the message I felt I was traveling back in time. There it was, an obligation I never acquired with an emotional blackmail bonus.

The issue is very simple. My boyfriend is still in the process of a divorce. The soon to be exwife behaved very poorly a year ago. She told her kids, my boyfriend and I, that I was a moneygrabber whore who tore her family apart.

After the incident, she apologized. I forgave her but I didn’t forget.

Flying with my boyfriend to his niece’s wedding while her soon to be exwife is there, is not in my bucket list. If they were legally separated, I would have given it a second thought. I didn’t.

He decided not to go on his own and his daughter got mad and sent me to a guilt trip —which I didn’t redeem.

While the wedding was taking place, my boyfriend an I attended our friend’s triplets baptism at noon, a funeral at night and played golf on Sunday.

Not a bad reward for having the courage to say no.

 

 

 

 

 

The Real “Burning Man”

When something is extremely hot, the best thing to do is to stay away from the threatening heat. Basic survival skills are so easy to follow when we talk about our physical safeguard, but when our emotional safety is in danger, things get a little tricky when the mind and the soul can’t agree on what to do.

I’ve had several-degree soul burns through my life and I was about to have another one yesterday, but my brain and my heart negotiated fast.

I felt the danger in his voice. My lungs reminded me to breathe and my feet reminded me to walk. Away. Quickly.

Distance. That’s the place I’m in right now. I can replay the anger, the fear and cry myself to sleep, or I can do whatever makes me feel happy. I went for the second option. I did some yoga, I read, I wrote and I also won two out of three paddle tennis matches.

Thoughts about the “burning man” still come and go, but the more I enjoy my space, the more the thoughts cool down.

Hefty Mornings

Waking up in the mornings has become a difficult task. As soon as my mind knows it’s awake, thoughts of being stuck start to warm up. I feel a void in my stomach while my hands and feet begin to sweat. Once the fear starts sizzling, my body is in rejection state, diarrhea takes in.

The way I see it: my body is reacting to my actions. I need to change, and change has never been my favorite place to be.

The Art of Stagnation

I’ve been stuck in this situation for about two years now. My gut feeling tried to talk me out of it, but I didn’t listen. At first, expectations were flying high. With time, reality started to kick in, but I kept moving forward, making up excuses for every step I took.

I knew I was in deep shit when I started googling words like: toxicity, narcisism, gaslighting and so forth.

During daytime I “normalized” the situation, but during nightime, the lies unraveled, showing me once again the striking facts.

I am not a tree, but for quite some time I’ve been acting like one. I have voluntarily lost the abilty to move.

While being a tree, I have achieved many things. I have learned not to flee, —something I usually do whenever things don’t go my way. I have learned to place myself before anyone else. I finally have a stable job that pays the bills, —something that had been so difficult to do since my divorce. I am also in a relationship which fullfills me in many ways, but also discourages me in many others.

Why would I feel the need to move?